The Holy Bible

Author: various (it's a collection of short stories)
genre: fantasy
pages: shit tons
pictures: no :(
guilt: a little

so i sat down a while ago with this book, i had heard alot about it before, but i mean can anything really compare with the scope of Tolkiens mind? i went in with prejudice thinking that it would be nowhere near as good as the hobbit or the LoTR triliogy...

then i realised that if this book was written before LoTR(as it claimed) then Tolkien just ripped it off, there's a character called Jesus and the similarities between him and Frodo are just too much to be a mere coincidence, but i do think that Tolkien decided to dull down alot of the homo-eroticness that he stole from this Jesus character.

you see, the Jews (which the orcs are an obvious rip off of) are trying to find the promised land, AKA Mordor for the Tolkien fans, so that they can throw Jesus into the volcano because he has the one ring (see Tolkien toned the gayness down there too) and in between you meet all kinds of cool characters, like Jonah who meets Pinocchio and Gippetto inside a whale, there's also some guy called Satan who Saruman is clearly a rip off of, some hot elf named Eve that screws this Adam guy over for an apple(at least it wasn't a Desperate Housewives-esque twist) they put some guys up on a wooden cross along with Jesus Baggins and then eat marshmellow eggs.

i dont want to give the ending away, you'll never guess what happens. all in all i found it to be a decent read, the author's tried to use confusing language a few times and even invented one called Aramaic which i think is quite impressive. if you liked the little mermaid books or even the my little pony series this will appeal to your imagination greatly, just be warned, there are NO pop up pictures

All in all, i think it's a perfectly good book and long enough for you to have a steady amount of bowel movements, with plenty still to read.

Rating: 3/5

1/5: toilet paper
2/5: read the air-freshener bottle instead
3/5: PC game manual (worth reading)
4/5: tantric sex instructional (worth a looooong read)
5/5: a book can never get a score this high, rent a DVD