John Woo, where the fuck are you?

FILM: Shoot 'Em Up
WRITER/DIRECTOR: Michael Davis
ACTORS: Clive Owen, Paul Giamatti, Monica Bellucci
RATING: **

I've always loved Tarantino. He's a smug, self-idolising, arrogant son of a bitch but he makes up for it with intelligent gratuitous violence, clever dialogue and interesting tributes to the masters of movie making.

This is not a Tarantino movie. This is not even close to being a John Woo movie.

This is not even a worthy parody of a Tarantino movie.

The only things that try to save this movie?

The way Clive Owen chomps those carrots (What's up Doc?); and Monica Bellucci's breasts. As magnificent as they are, quite frankly it's not enough.

Even Paul Giamatti isn't given enough of a script to work with. His angry orbits and eye expressions ala Michael Dudikoff just doesn't do the trick.

What you're left with is a million empty gun shell cases and a flick with a Tarantino twist horribly reminescent of those lame ass movies that Carmen Electra always seems to act in (Epic Movie & Scary Movie 4).

RATING KEY:
* = Rather stay home and blog.
** = Better than staying home and inserting knitting needles into your eyes.
*** = Go if you are on a date and there's a off chance you'll get fondled in the movie.
**** = Guaranteed this movie wasn't made in mainstream Hollywood and doesn't star any of the Toms (Tom Hanks, Tom Cruise or Tom Sizemore)
***** = Fucken hey. Sergei Eisenstein, Orson Welles, Martin Scorsese, Abbas Kiarostami and the Cohen brothers couldn't do better if they tried.