Letting Go
July 3, 2008 - 10:19 — Dusty Muffin
We’ve spoken twice a year for the past twenty years. On his birthday, and on mine. That’s the way it’s been since it ended. Our lives are very different now. Suburban and domestic. Comfortable. I last saw him about eight years ago. I realised that I still loved him, and I always will. But I know that it will never be. All we have left in common is our history. Time to let go. Keep that part of my life to myself; nurture those happy days in the privacy of my own memories.
He turned 50 yesterday. I didn’t call.
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Comments
Nor should you have Dusts
the dirty old bastard!
Thanks Vaps
I knew you'd understand.
DM
weird isn't it. Some connections just don't seem to break.
Must say i'm enjoying your 100 words a day thing.
Dex
stywe connections not always a healthy thing...
Thanks*. Me too. Till I start running out of ideas.
*Credit to Ramon for the idea - Ramon's being one poem a day for month. And he persisted, even when it seemed as if he was posting into the ether.
Dusty
I know exactly where you are coming from. It doesn't get any easier, believe me. But you did the right thing. Sometimes you just got to listen to your head and not your heart.
Ja Tinks
You're in much the same place, right?
Dusty
Fuck it, that we have to do the "right thing".....the dreams keep me going but I try not to live in the past. The "what if's, the maybe's, the coulda, woulda, shoulda..." can drive you crazy. Hang onto the number...and you never know...never is a long time.
DM
I am with TL on this one. Lots of hugs to you. It definitely could not have been easy but you will always have the memories.
Hey Sems
Good to have you back, you fluffy hugbunny you! Looking forward to hearing about your 'pilgrimage'.
Dusts
I'm proud of you because I know how hard that was. *Hugs*.
Gee Lils
I didn't see you as a hugger. But gladly accepted nonetheless. And thanks.
DM
Been there/done that, so commiserations are in order! You're welcome.
eish man Dusts
why? that's so sad.....
:(
Arbchickle
It's actually been liberating. I reckon he's always been a back door. In case things didn't work out for me, I'd have somewhere to run.
dusty
i know this 'safety net' scenario, only too well.
someday, i may be ready for the same 'liberation',and perhaps in my rational self, i already am... but when my emotional self is raging against everything that
constitutes my chosen existence - i like to know it's there. maybe. in case.
i don't delude myself that it's practical, or that it's really what i desire/need even at my lowest point - but the dream; the slow smile that accompanies the memory... nah. i'm not letting it go just yet.
Hey mort
Great to have you popping in and sharing your unique perspectives again!
Maybe I'm lying to myself. I still have the phone number. Perhaps I've just closed the door. Not locked it.
addictions dusty
we all have them... and i am addicted to memory and dream. it is no less devastating (potentially) than any chemical that momentarily transports/elevates/stimulates/releases.
so...i've resigned myself to the memory of the high, knowing that i can never experience it sweetness on the tongue again. i've been 'clean' for a very long time - but it will only take on hit. just one. and i will come undone.
Morty
good morning, your comment is thought provoking...Do you think that we all have our 'poison'? And if remebering a particular high doesn't make one liss?
hello tinny
i reckon so. i knew a cowboy who referred to his type of woman as 'my poison'.
dex knows my old saying: "surely, all that i want, will kill me cleanly".
i watched a telly documentary last night on addictions. its on dstv, called Intervention. seen it? to date, all the cases have been chemical addiction, but last night there was a man who was addicted to rage, which according to a renowned treatment centre, produces chemicals that are addictive... the first time i have seen in acknowledged that emotions are addictive.
perhaps all addiction is really emotional at the root of it... regardless of the choice of poison. perhaps its not purely a physical sensation, but rather, WHO and WHAT we are/believe we are/believe we can be in that moment of indulgence.
yep. i think we all have our poisons, some mild emetics and some that make nightshade look like a tonic. how we developed them, is really not that important. our time is better spent figuring out how to exist without them - in my case, it defined me to a large degree.
i reckon ego is often the key. i have had to admit that my need will always whup my ass and leave me sniveling and bleeding... so i acknowledge it, bow before it respectfully, and keep my bloody distance, as best i can.
ag. i'm not good at explaining shit. its all too random and obscure in my head.
hope that answers you to some degree though.
grrr. bloody pc.
sorry. bloody humbuggie beasts in the pc belly. diablo was attempting to clean up my cookies, or something equally obscene in techie fantasy terms. apparently i need more memory.
that's news? pffff.
But its true, Mort
one needs a clean koekie.
ja deks - en ek reken
myne is die blinkste in die blik....
its the other bluidy cookies that are driving me up the slope!
and... pub lunch in jozi? i had a humble; post-grocery shopping 5 Rondt takeout - but:
i ate it in the beachfront parking lot in front of the blue peter hotel... and watched a moody tide fight its way toward me, while seagulls clamoured around me for their portion.
Morty
'n blink koekie? ooooo dis nou 'n ding.
sounds cool with the seagulls and the sea and the beach and all that.
Still - i had beer!
beer? oh dear.
how do i top that? sheesh. harsh bru.
dunno really.
will have to think about it while i have a glass of oxblood shiraz on the stoep and listen to windchimes and the sea pounding 200 metres away from my feet.
mwuahhaaa.
GRRRRRRRRR
now Morty - that just isn't nice.
I'll think of a retort while staring at the mine dumps in friday afternoon traffic 40 minutes or so from now.
ag bokkie. niwwermaaind.
youve got the jozi sunsets and awesome winter sunlight.
every autumn and winter, i think of rhodes park in kensington and how beautiful it must be at that time of year.
even when i worked in jeppe industrial area, i could still get lost in the skyline.
oh dm
there are more people than you know nurturing a love for the one they can't have. there's nothing wrong with it.
in a funny kind of way, i believe that we choose whether to fall in love, and who with. and that we can't choose not to love someone who we already do.
MJ
I think you might be onto something there.
medusajane
What clare said. Thanks.