A young man went to confession one day. He was worried to death about what he had done.

“Bless me Father for I have sinned.” He began.

“Yes my son. Tell me what abominable sins you have committed”.
Father Bullman said, lounging in his chair in the confessional, running his praying beads through his fingers.

“I had impure thoughts the whole week long.”

“Goebs had never been as drunk as he was that Friday night.” Vezi said about Mr. Magubane, alias Nkomose, his colleague at St. Benedict’s middle school in Kwa Santi, a Catholic mission station in Natal. “One minute he was sitting with us around the table at P.G’s house drinking, the next moment he was lying on the floor. Lights out.

”You wake me up just to tell me all that nonsense? And you call what you do ‘work’? Other men wake up at a decent time to go and do real work and take good care of their wives. But look at you, working for that stupid Police force, protecting other people’s wealth. What have you got to show for thirty years of service?

‘Baboon wins Lotto’ the headlines said. At first Pulane thought it was another ploy by The New Sun to further boost its already high circulation among the gullible.

Sello, chief clerk, mabalane at Consolidated Gold Mines in Johannesburg, phoned his wife Rebeka in Moruleng every month to find out how she and the children were doing.

One day he phoned and instead of his wife answering the phone, a rough male voice said “Hullo, who is this. Ke mang?”

Customers never cease to puzzle ‘ Haasbek’ Vusi, the street vendor who sells his fruit at the corner of van der Walt and Proes streets. He has been selling all sorts of wares, ranging from vegetables to newspapers since he was nine years old, at that intersection. He has never been to school.

Monday. An hour after sharing lunch with co- workers, Tawana has a sudden pain in the upper part of his abdomen. It causes him to bend over double at his waist and fall to the ground. The pain radiates to the back of his abdomen, in front of his backbone, and settles there, a burning piece of red hot coal. He lies in a foetal position on the ground, writhing and whimpering.

All ye bleeding hearts,
comfy in walled estates,
put your money where
your mouths are blabbering.
Adopt a refugee.

Even if they entered
the country not as such,
now they are indeed
truly refugees;
disowned and homeless souls,
displaced by so-called brothers,
from informal settlements,
the erstwhile squatter camps.

Whether you’re in Sandton,
Soweto or Cape Town,

Former Bafana-Bafana coach Parreira, a few weeks before he left the country in a hurry, recommended a quota system which would limit the number of foreign players in the Premier Soccer League in order to groom local players for the national squad.

After finishing the whole leg of lamb alone
He threw the bone to his mangy dog
The neighbour’s mongrel crawled through the fence
A fierce fight broke out over the bone

He drew the attention of his neighbours
To the fracas in his yard
Urged them to bet on which cur would win
The battle over the dry morsel

Shame on you some neighbours said
Others said this is good fun

Every evening, without fail, my playmate Pule would tell me he would like to play longer with me, but had to go home before his father came back from work.

CD’s of Bok van Blerk’s hit song Delarey flew off the shelves last year faster than you can blink. Clicks, the parent company of Bok’s recording label, laughed all the way to the bank. However, sales plummeted this year after Polokwane, Reitz and Skielik, oil prices soared, interest rates increased and the AWB was resurrected.

It used to be the most dangerous stretch of road in the country. A place you would not like to find yourself in after dark, whether on foot, bicycle or driving a car, if you valued your life or your balls.

A particularly notorious part of it was between Bloemfontein and Brandfort. Many people had mysteriously disappeared on it without trace.

I had never seen such a big book. It was thicker than the Bible. The Oxford dictionary I sometimes used as a doorstop was thin in comparison to the tome lying on the display table at the front of the Exclusive Bookshop store.

Western Civilization and Its Achievements, or something akin to that, was the title of the book.

Bad is the Bitch
That bites the feeding hand
But badder is the Witch
That sends your head rolling in the sand

These are the words of Rap Star Bored
Crotch clutching crouching scumbag
That Bobby so much adored
And wished to emulate

Now Bobby was a creature
Amoeba more than man
His brains were in his balls
His skull a pot of beer

Ma-Bobby became fed up

The N1 axis of evil
Running from north to south
Musina, Skielik, Reitz Residence and George
Within shouting distance pivot around it

Feeder of lions the Lion Man
Baby-faced Shooter of so called baboons
Young Urinator full of piss and vinegar
The Dragger in a bakkie

All suckled the poisonous milk of wickedness
From the breast of The Beast before it died

He listens to you and doesn’t argue. He carries out your instructions to the letter. Unfortunately he is also like a small child, to whom you have to repeat an instruction many times before he responds. He is the obedient servant.

I am talking about your body. It carries out instructions, whether positive or negative, if these are repeated often enough.

Liz looked out of the window of her home and nearly fell on her back when she saw what her new neighbour Marita, a lady doctor from Poland was doing.

“John! John come and have a look. Quickly.” Liz called out to her husband.

“What? John said “What is happening” as he rushed to her side at the window.

“Look! Just look.”

John looked out of the window.

The following morning Ruta called Mmanuku, Boikie’s wife to come and get him.

“I have never seen him as drunk as this before.” Ruta said.

“Don’t act surprised, akere it is you who is selling him the liquor. Isn’t it?”

“Take your dog home. I don’t want him on my benches!”